Monthly Archives: May 2014

To be or not to be … not to be is the definite answer

 

Well, that’s what seems to be willed to be. As I spent the last week draining my energy out thinking and applying for visas, it was another time feeling dragged into a corner. I don’t know what is it really. Why is it so hard for me to submit to the fact that it is normal to apply for a visa? Everyone does. Well, almost everyone does.

Each time I have to think while filling an application form, of how hard it is anyway. I have my name written wrongly each time, the Jordanians skip a letter, and the Israelis change the whole format of the name. And my name is another name. As I always think of it, being a Palestinian with a Jordanian nationality written on your Israeli travelling document, holding a temporarily Jordanian passport residing Jerusalem doesn’t seem to be that easy for regular speculation.

So applying for a visa, with all those documents, fingerprints, proves that I will come back from the promised heaven I will launch myself to. A paper proving that I work, another proving my financial situation, an invitation, a ticket, why, how where and how much, and then we have to pay. Applying for a visa should be a good business.

I know I am a Palestinian with lack of gratitude. I don’t know. As I have been also recently thinking, it must be that Cleopatra reincarnated soul in me that is being punished this way, not submitting to the fact that being a Palestinian means probably being lesser of a human being.

Oh, and if I am complaining about the Schengen area, who honestly seemed great in comparison to the British. Well, a Palestinian thinking of sending her son to London for some time is not really the best idea a Palestinian can think of. Paying for courses, flights, accommodation is something, applying for the visa is another. Online application, with no human factors. The human employee actually is not assigned to talk to you while you apply (she made an exception actually to me since she knows me “well” by telling me all the things she shouldn’t tell me in the wrong paper I had with me. so if she doesn’t tell me, who is supposed to tell me. I don’t know if we Palestinians as a general rule want to travel outside this rotten place because we always or generally have a plan to leave to heaven.

I really don’t understand why does the world treat us this way.

First they strip us away from a country. We don’t even know if we ever had a country. Whatever we had they give it t away and make it Israel. Israel has more than three millions of its citizens residing outside Israel, and we Palestinians inside the West bank and Gaza barely close the three million altogether, and in addition to Israel locking us behind walls and barriers, inside slums and enclaves, the world makes sure that we have the utmost restrictions.

So what is it exactly, they want to get rid of us for the sake of Israel from one side, and they are afraid we go and stay in their countries from another. Can’t the world get it yet that we are not exactly interested in leaving this place? Well, yes, I wish I did. But that is not the case.

What is it seriously , that makes the world treats us the way it does. I understand we Palestinians have failed ourselves recently . But what is it about us that makes them cautious of us . Is it this realization that the injustice that is thrown on us as people is so unbearable and one day we will just explode ? is it that no normal humans can bear it in such a way for so long ?

I understand that I am a spoilt person after all .. I lack gratitude towards those who help me and my people . But somehow , I don’t know if it is their demand to make me more of liberal and aware to my needs as a human being that is moving me . What I know is that there is something inside me that is resisting such way of life. Something inside me that cannot see this as life. Something inside me insists that there is something else of life … Is it reliance . Or is it naïve arrogance . I really don’t know .

 

Being Palestinian … Not Exactly . Being Jerusalemite.. And it goes to another Not Exactly !

Being a Non Exactly means you travel with a Non Exactly Jordanian passport and a Non Exactly Israeli document .. You are marked with a special non religious probably ethnic 6 number, that makes you Non Exactly special.

A certain treatment that starts with exclusive harassment and violations to what it means to be just a normal human being .. 

Stares and gazes that are mixed with suspicion and criminalizing looks . Sympathizing and guilty gestures . Both from the same people … No matter how you try to behave like a normal being … You still remain Not Exactly normal…

A Non Exactly Striptease that takes a form of a Non Exactly taking off your clothes until you buzz in Non Exactly censored areas . Otherwise you are as well privileged to a Non Exactly massage service , that includes touching every single piece of skin that covers your suspicious figure … All in all Non Exactly any of the above mentioned services that you really like to offer or to receive under the given conditions .

The journey with being Non Exactly doesn’t start or end with the journey itself. With the preparation to leave this “havenly” engraved space . Unless for very limited places … You are Not Exactly capable of going anywhere without a definite Not Exactly defined  status for your Non Exactly defined status .. 

You are a Palestinian but without a Palestinian Passport , which you  would say maybe it is not exactly bad. A Jordanian passport with a ” T” mark that makes it Not Exactly special. With a place of birth indicated as Jerusalem  . And Israeli red (anything but diplomatic) traveling document that indicates your are Jordanian next to nationality slot . 

So how to apply to a visa anywhere ???? It is a Not Exactly easy job, or answer .Especially that many if not most are not aware of our Non Exactly existing status . Even when checked in Israeli borders , those young inspectors may ask you if it’s your first time in Israel.. 

You travel with one Non Exactly document in hand and one in the pocket on each different passing border depending on the severity of the Non Exactly document you hold to the country of destination .. and you come back , and received with a seriously Non Exactly special welcoming .No matter how long or short the flight was . How convenient or tiring . If it was at noon or midnight ..You always receive the very same Non Exactly ,non exactly special service of another round of Non Exactly meaningful questions , and inspections that always takes you to a special room with another series of inspecting machines that according to your lucky stars could go as re inspecting every single item you carry , or a minimum of all luggage inspection through x-ray machines only. 

In the meantime, a boyfriend or a partner who might not be privileged to be Palestinian , may wonder about your non exactly normal or not normal life , and give you the stigma of being a complaining creature when you are non exactly even a Jew.

Each time you will wonder … isn’t it better to just stay there in the non exactly luxury of just passing checkpoints ?

 

A non exactly moment of wondering

8-12-2013

Right .. inside that Pandora box was just a hollow being that switched from a Peter Pan to a Dr. Jeckyle and Mr. Hyde.. and at its best performed his actual role as a Vampire… and it is true … what can come out from a DEAD MAN WALKING? ( from the diary of a woman who was trapped by a psychopath )

Jumping from a Pandora box of a life of a human being that cleverly switched once from a peter pan to Dr. Jeckyle and Mr. Hyde. Another from a narcissist to a hollow vampire. An empty existence of what is perfectly quoted as a ‘dead man walking.’ How much of pathetic is it to stay in an apparently pathetic relationship? When flags of all colors jump in front of you from all directions warning you just to jump and run for your life.

Somehow, to continue to be a perfect victim to such characters cannot be any compliment. But to allow one human being to trap you within one pathetic disguise and another is only a work of a master of naivety. No compliments, and no place for even blame. It is something that goes beyond.

How much of such people are out there? Science says it is one out of twenty. It should make nineteen rational human beings. But somehow that one could do the work of a hundred messing one’s life together.

How much should one warn others from falling into traps of a psychopath … maybe as long as one can?

Yes.. they are tricky. They come in this beautiful disguise of worn out poor souls that their survival perhaps is bound to you. Survival is not obliged to you .. Sucking your energy out, your soul .. is what they do .. and they live on your positive vibes and energy . on your bright man, while they jump from one victim to another.

But it is not easy … because it is your energy they are walking out with.

One day he will pay… hopefully when you are long beyond remembering even his existence… because all that you need to do is to keep running … run with whatever is left of your life.. because your life is valuable when he is not in it.

21-4-2014

From Egypt to Palestine. An old era is about to end, with a new era that is probably a worse scenario of the retro.

As the Sisi is winning in a majority of 98% of (it doesn’t matter of how much of the eligible voters). A real victory to the choice of the voters (not necessarily the people, they must be collaborative Ikhwan). Well, it all doesn’t matter. It is true that the first day ended with four million voters out of fifty eight million eligible voters. The second day wasn’t much better. It was a result of the ‘incredibly hot ‘ weather (it must be the first time elections take place in summer) and (Egypt’s weather is probably not usually that hot in summer). As a result a third day for elections was called, and free transportation was offered to all, and anyone who declined to vote was threatened to pay a fine of 80 dollars (which could mount to one quarter of an average Egyptian salary). Miraculously, the media is celebrating now as they closed the polls, and Sisi (also Cici) seems to have won democratically with an overwhelming majority, not just the 98% of the votes but what started as less than 20% of the eligible votes in the first day jumped to more than 60%.

But what can we say. The Egyptians chose their future president; it doesn’t matter if it was 20% or 90%. A new era has begun …

In Palestine, we are waiting for the announcement of the new ‘reconciliation’ ‘temporarily’ government, with ‘ independent’ non Fateh nor Hamas figures, keeping nevertheless the same ‘temporarily’ ‘expired’ President, and the ‘temporarily’ prime minister ‘ and giving him another ‘temporarily ministry of interior. Swinging on the same ‘temporarily’ minister of foreign affairs for the last three or four ‘temporarily’ governments. And some new names that must be ‘independent’. An expired prime minister is promised to head an expired parliament. All will be waiting for the elections, and as usual with a dedicated timeline.

While this ‘temporarily’ government formation is quite interesting, it gives an opportunity for every Palestinian to become a minister at some point. The ‘reconciliation’ that suddenly seemed so close seem discretely distant.

Hence, today is the last day in a five weeks ‘timeline’ and as the names are flushing and sweeping. And while we are waiting to finally see a new ‘temporarily’ reconciliation government this time. Our to-be expired; temporarily staying president surprised us by giving a speech to Israeli “ peace now” groups in his Headquarters in his Capital city of the State of Ramallah. While addressing again the Israeli public proving to them once and again how much of the best choice for Israel, Israelis can ever get; Israeli settlers invade Jerusalem, beating, imprisoning, violating holy places and aggressing properties and people.

And yet , we are definitely on the verge of a new era …. A reconciliation government and a unilateral withdrawal by Israel to shape the new map of Palestine ??? Is this the closing end of the Kerry plan ? Or is it just my suspicious conspiracy thinking schemes obsessing in my mind ?

A new era is definitely about to start ….

The Pope’s visit to the Holy land .

As much as there is something uniquely special about the Pope Francis , kindness and modesty . Virtues that seem to be abandoned from today’s life . Managing to manoeuvre around the security and the program and forcing his way to the WALL is by itself an accomplishment . Many high level officials managed not to see the Wall; not long ago , by Berlusconi’s famous : ” which wall? ” when asked about the wall. 

The Pope found his way to the Wall , depute the israelis attempt t o beautify it and paint it with white!!! But how muh can occupation extends its fierce coercion .. At the end , we sleep behind that Wall each night and we can succeed in writing on it at least our own messages to the world , and to the Pope . 

In what seemed a historical moment ,probably for the Pope himself , I hope he managed to notice , the presence of police not people in Jerusalem . I hope he had notices that Jerusalem was a city of ghosts , surrounded with machine guns for his Holyness visit. 

It could be another major visit , we could hope again for a miracle, maybe now by the closest human to the divine in some of our Beliefs . Maybe his words are really closest to be heard … from God and from the World . 

As we still aspire for real peace.. 

As we continue to pray for a nation with sovereignty …

As we dream of ways without checkpoints and barriers…

As we try to look up to a sky , without being surrounded by Walls that limit our sights and paths …

We remain to be hopeful . that Freedom would be our way out 

one day … one day …hopefully soon …i leave you with a picture …with a million messages and one word FREEDOM Image

 

just keep going…

one day it is shining , another is filled with fog and clouds …

people pass by , 

they love you , they hate you 

they support you ,they use you 

they honour you , they deceive you 

they stay , they leave 

they continue to be passer-bys 

in a life of passing moments , 

of love and hate 

of felicity and rage 

of peace and war 

of security and fear ….

and we keep going .. 

just keep going …

to a life , to a moment , to eternity …

سمعت ما جرى بمدرسه الورديه وانا في بروكسيل . ولم تكن هذه المره الاولى . ففي كل سنه ومنذ اكثر من خمس سنوات ونفس القصه تتردد، والمحبط بآن شيئا لم يتغير من حيث تغيير موقف المدرسه .
والجديد في هذا العام ما هو الا تراكم احباطات الاعوام السابقه ، فما بدأ كرغبه لسياسه مدرسه في زيها الخاص انتهى الى مشروع عنصري ولولا عدم رغبتي بنشر الفتنه لقلت بانه مدروس.
وقبل البدء اريد ان اقول باني اكتب ما اكتب بهذا الموضوع وبناتي لا يرتدن لهذه المدرسه ، ولكنه من واجبي كمواطنه فلسطينيه تحرص ان يحيا مواطنيها بحب وسلام بين ابنائها وبناتها ليستطيعوا ان ينهضوا بهذا الوطن في يوم ما . ليستطيعوا مواجهه الاحتلال الغاشم في وجوهنا .
ارى انه من واجبنا مسلمون ومسيحيون . نساءآ ورجالا . في مدرسه الورديه وخارجها ان نقف وقفه واحده في ايقاف ما جرى وما يجري بالمدرسه من ممارسات عنصريه تؤدي الى شرخ الوطن وابنائه وبناته .
والمبدأ واضح : نحن نريد من تلك البنات ان تكن شعله حريتنا . فكيف ، ونحن نجرح فرحتهن ،وبدلا من اتلفكير بالمستقبل بتن يفكرن بالضغن والكراهيه . وكل هذا من اجل ماذا ؟ حجاب ؟

وبما اننا في عالم التكنولوجيا ، فكل ما نحتاجه الاحتجاج الموحد من خلال الانضمام لصفحه تم انشاؤها من قبل طالبات مدرسه راهبات الورديه للاحتجاج. وربما من خلال هذه الصفحه ممكن الضغط على المدرسه وعلى صناع القرار للتدخل . لان هذا املوضوع ان تم تهدئته الان ، ستكون عواقبه محزنه بالعام القادم . ونحن احوج ما نكون اليه هو محبتنا وسلامنا فيما بيننا مسلمون ومسيحيون . كانت المدارس الخاصه (المسيحيه) في القدس ولا تزال ، اهم منابر التعليم المشرف لابناء وبنات القدس مسلمون ومسيحيون. كاشاره اقوى من كل تفرقه الازمنه باننا مسلمون ومسيحيون اخوانا واصدقادا . جيرانا واحبه … ومن العار ان يكون حجاب فتاه قررت لبسه في يوم فرحتها الاولى سببا لنكسه اخرى لا نحتاجها .

فيما يلي ما كنت قد اطلقت عليه : تكمله لمهاترات مدرسه الورديه …

لو فرضنا مثلا ان الاسرائيلىون خلعوا حجاب فتاه محجبه بالقطار . لو آعلنت اسرائيل مثلا غدا انه تمنع اي فتاه\سيده من ارتداء الحجاب في القطار.
ما هي رده فعلنا في هكذا موقف ؟ ما هو اول اتهام سنكيله على اسرائيل .
وبعد كيل الاتهامات وشجب الاحتلال سيقل من يقل القطار ،القطار في صباح اليوم التالي.
انتصارات اسرائيل علينا لم تتحقق بالصدفه > ولكن وراء كل تنفذ مغرض لاسرائيل يحط من قدرنا كمواطنين، خنوع وسكوت عن حقوقنا ، وعدم اهتمامنا باي قضيه لا تخصنا بطريقه مباشره . حتى اصبح الاحتلال بممارساته يخر في عروقنا لدرجه اصبحنا فيها بلا دم.
مواقف مدرسه الورديه المتكرره والتي لا يمكن وصفها الا بالعنصريه ، لا تبدو الا استفزازيه ومبتبجحه . ومع انني من رواد نظريه المؤامره الا انني لا اريد ان اضع نظرياتي المغرضه في هكذا موضع الان . ولكن ان ارى باننا ننشق حتى في موضوع بديهي كهذا ، يؤكد لي باننا شعب نخره الاحتلال حتى العظم.
ما الذي علينا ان نتوقعه كمجتمع من تلك الفتيات بالمستقبل؟ كيف ستربي تلك الفتيات ابناءهن؟ لو كنت مكان اي من تلك البنات ، لكرهت المسيحيه وعملت من ضحدها وكرهها رسالتي . ما الذي تتوقعه مربيه الاجيال تلك ، مديره المدرسه عندما يصل بها غرورها وحبها للسيطره بان لا تأبه بأن تكون عنصريه؟ عنصريه في ظل وقت السمون والمسيحيون في الناصره (بلدها) على حافه هاويه الانقسام ؟
ومن جهه اخرى . ما الذي يزعجها بالحجاب ؟
ما المنفر في ارتداء فتاه لحجاب؟ كيف لنا ان نرقى بانفسنا . كيف نطلب من تلك البنات التسلح بالقوه بالمطالبه بحقوقهن ، كيف نأمل باننا سنحارب الاضطهاد والاحتلال بالجيل الجديد ونحن نقمعه في ابسط اختياراته ؟
كنت ولا زلت غير مقتنعه بالحجاب والتحجب . ولكن كنت وسأبقى احترم كل من يجعله اختياره . لاننا اذا اردنا ان نربي على الحريه > فقمعها بهكذا طريقه > هو احد مسببات هلاكنا .
ما حصل ، شرخ ما بين تلك الفتيات وزميلاتهن بالدزاسه التي دامت عمرا كاملا. كل واحده منهن بكت وحقدت وكرهت ليس فقط تلك المديره العنصريه الحاقده فقط ، ولكن زميلاتها ، واهل زميلاتها .
هذه المديره المتبجحه المتغطرسه تكرر عنصريتها بزرع الكراهيه بين المسمين والمسيحيين للابد.
حسبي الله ونعم اليقين بها …. وحسبي الله في غبائنا كأمه مشت عليها الامم…..