Coming back to the same time zone and twilight zone as well … as if all my feelings and sensations that I left right here on this border of the bridge when I left Jerusalem a week ago are back waiting for all jamming like those people I have been around for the last few hours to get out.
I found myself crying on the bus, not for myself, but for who I was. It is almost impossible to stop the flow of my painful sensations. Looking at this, and seeing myself, knowing I am part of it all, and knowing as well that I am not like them. Genuine feelings of sadness on them and me and questioning myself for a million times who am I.? Maybe it is as everything else in my life total alliance from everything. The only place where I feel home is nowhere. Maybe the kids and I, but I don’t know … sometimes I don’t even know if I can be a mother to them.
I have been experiencing a non-stop feeling of being unclear about my human side if it exists. If me, us, Palestinians are real human beings or not. . It is not about how people behave towards us; it is also about how we behave towards ourselves.
I keep remembering people like Luciano saying that I am not like them, about them, and it only makes me feel worse; it is such an overwhelming feeling of sadness.
I don’t want to be anywhere but home, and not because I feel home, but maybe it is the only safe place for me. I was thinking of Luciano waiting to see me, and I didn’t want to see him; I was afraid to be touched by him or anyone like him.
I feel like a species that is different from him, making me feel sadder as I think about it. It makes me feel weird to the world outside me, maybe crazy and mysterious to them, and all. But I can’t stop crying; I think my tears flow like a river that I cannot control. And I don’t know why, why now, and why should I.
Is it a destiny of being delineated from this life?
But I feel my belonging here; I longed to come back after only a week with humans, with those who should be in the everyday world. But here is not the world, and here is not a place we r inhabiting as humans. We cannot be humans. There cannot be such a consensus on our existence in this category, and we cannot recognize it until now.
I feel ridiculously ridiculous.
I was looking at the people. All lined up in all forms of lines. A level is a bit higher than lining donkeys just because donkeys wouldn’t be able to talk. One line after the other. Strange looks and features. Unfriendly and nervous expressions. Suddenly I realized that we shouldn’t be classified as humans; we cannot actually. And then going to the Israeli side, maybe it is a better form. I was feeling dehumanized there. Another form of a process created just for us. Semi human, semi animal. Semi tribal, semi cattle.
Oh … and the VIP. Some semi-humans, mainly of a level with a well-fed donkey. God, I am so frustrated and tired of all this life.
I am tired of being in this life. It is not mine…
27-10-2010