Sometimes things happen and stop you completely.
Nothing matters anymore except one thing, the well being, the presence, the life of the one infront of you.
It is one of those moments when life halts into nothingness
A total state of helplessness, selflessness and again nothingness.
It feels too much sometimes to personalize what I write. But everything I do is personal, and bringing my family into this state of personalization sometimes annoy me, or makes me worry, thinking maybe I am invading my family’s privacy.
What happened yesterday was one of those personal moments that suddenly make me feel shaken.
A simple moment, an important moment, a horrific moment … at the same time, it was another moment of evaluation, reevaluation of everything that makes life.
I received a call from my daughter and her coach saying that she fell. Hearing her voice made it a safe encounter. I went there rushing, anxious, mad, complaining, ready to give her some hard time. I have this reputation of begin a negligent mother. The kids keep making fun of me saying: “ mom only interferes in life and death situation” and I always say: “ well yes, after all you are alive”.
Admittingly, I worry sometimes of my calculations, I don’t know if not panicking, avoiding doctors and medications are connected in my head. But I sincerely believe that we turned into consumer patients as well. Going to a doctor means trouble and anti biotic and a long recipe of unneeded prescriptions that will be a swallowed poison into our already un-immuned system.
My daughter looked fine. Another spoilt behavior that I was flirting with. She walked normally, didn’t lose consciousness after the fall, after all it was a self-destructive fall, we cannot even think of suing the school. She fell while jumping and her knee cracked with her face. On the way home, things didn’t look funny anymore, her questions were becoming insistently ridiculous. Asking the same set of questions in what seemed like a pattern in a sequence. We went to the hospital, and luckily, we were not treated with priority. This is the best part of the emergency room in emergency situation. You will forget why you are even there at a certain level, unless you are really dying. So luckily she wasn’t in the second category. But the more she asked questions the more it freaked me out. She was really not remembering things. It remained to be ridiculously funny with her even not realizing what she was saying and that she was repeating it. It felt as if her brain was struggling to remember but was too exhausted to struggle. So she kept helplessly in a fatigue manner developing her questions and repeating them, trying to memorize what she can. At least she knew I was her mother, she was in full consciousness of the people. She even was still in full awareness that she is boycotting Israeli products. At some point the doctor asked that she drinks something and she quickly said: “ I am not buying Israeli juice”. She was managing to relate the state of negligence we were receiving from the hospital as an act of discrimination, but yet her mind was obviously too exhausted to elaborate on anything. My panic level was just put into an arousal as she didn’t realize which month we were in, she was totally convinced that we were in June or July, she was convinced that she didn’t go to school today because they don’t have school. As if some part of her memory was scanned and deleted. It should have been a concussion. Another horrifying word I tried to rationalize with. The x-ray of her face will tell if there is a fracture. Thankfully there was no fracture, which meant that it was unlikely to have any skull fracture. Somehow with the coldness of the doctors situations become worse. Or maybe better. They tend to keep you on the ground. You are not special. You are just a case of tens and maybe hundreds they see daily and if sounds like: “seriously get real. Look around you and see what real danger is.” the fact that she vomited after we were about to be released got my blood pressure probably pumping excessively. But I remained quiet. I had to remind myself that we are in the hospital, if anything is wrong they will see it, and in the worse case, she is still standing, talking, moving, beautiful and remembers me.
My head was racing in non-ending scenarios, and I was tirelessly competing in convincing all those ideas that as long as she knows I am she mother everything will be fine. My head was drowning into the unknown. Into that state of hollowness of the unknown, of the uncontrollable, of the worthlessness, of the weakness, of the nothingness of anything or anyone or situation.
I felt empty handed in a whirlpool amid a desert screaming in the depth of silence, inside my very own silence, with a voice that I couldn’t hear. A voice calling for God’s hands to protect this little soul. A voice with a pleading, bleeding, crying cry for help and saving her.
A reminder that our roaming around life is nothing but an empty attempt of survival.
A moment of total submission in the hands of God.
A moment of so much power in accepting that you have no power at all.
A moment of leaving it all to a slight narrow light that awaits you somewhere in the depths of your fears and tries to touch you to say: “ I am there for you don’t worry.”
(We are home; she woke up remembering everything except last night)