Incoherent and personal; a grasp of a reflection

It should be the recollection of the memories of a year that makes me this sensitive. I rarely spend time on TV, except for Turkish series with my kids, and on top that one that resembles my life and theirs. We watched it three times.

Today, I watched Jerry McGuire, and I had to confess to myself that I like tom cruise. I always liked his acting. But somehow, he is someone whose personal life got too personal to us, the audience. Who wants to know that an actor is an active Scientology sect or whatever?

Anyway. A sentence popped up by Cuba Gooding (whom I like too). My relationship with movie stars kind of stopped ten years ago. So my information is limited to that period.

Cuba was telling cruise about the woman he is dating, and he warns him: single moms are sacred. Don’t you ever hurt her?

And I just felt tears flooding from my eyes … thinking of how appropriate and correct this sentence was. And thinking woo. I should be a God; I have four.

But then I thought of who I am and where I come from. And it is not just about Arab men. The experience that marked my after divorce experience wasn’t with an Arab man …

So I would think of what would it look like if it were an Arab. It could have been different maybe. Arabs would think immediately of marriage. I will probably have to give up my children to be under the protection of a husband.

Another severe ironic form of being a single mother. It is either another man or your kids.

Somewhere another sentence from the same movie I am not sure, came to my mind, single moms don’t date… I would say a very true sentence.

It is just a compromise on what may look like dating that may result in a series of knowing anyone …

After finishing the novel “ forty rules of love,” I was thinking of all this notion of ultimate devotion.

I honestly spent my life since making the decision to divorce to find that last love to go, having no clue of any knowledge that is carried under Sufism or anything else. I thought of myself always like a woman who is driven by my intuition. That scares the hell out of me each time.

I just wanted to be able to live life for what it is meant to be. Not about what we count in as valuables and properties. And I wanted to leave that thing called married wit the only asset I had, the children.

Somehow, being a woman, living all my life under what I know should be this wall of a man, protection, whatever it is, made me always think of a man that should complete me.

I went through a lot of experiences in realizing what I perceive as love and what is a need. Year after year, and maybe on the failure of knowing a man after another, brought me closer to the fact that love is not necessary. And in my character, what starts as a need from side always ends as a need I provide. Magically!!!! I still don’t know how I always end up in such situation.

But day in day out, it was a soul mate I sought. And I stopped searching.

My last relationship that ended in a complete disappointment, somehow maybe put me in a corner. Took me to this basic of the sentence of the movie. Don’t mess wit ha single mom. I remember when my friends questioned his intentions and asked why would he has involved himself with my kids. I always managed to protect my children from that. I never allowed anyone close to them. They knew men as friends; I only introduced those who were good friends. I wanted to show them that people could be beautiful and reasonable and that their father was an exception. A lost soul that maybe one day he will find himself out.

I always managed to collect myself after heartbreak and suffer and get inside my pain and recover on my own. But with this man.He presented himself as a savior; he wanted to be the father that I didn’t ask him to be and no one wanted to have. The kids already had a father. He presented himself as the friendly, caring replacement, which in many ways he was. Except that he was planning never to stay. I was nothing except part of a package he received with his mission. A woman likes many in each country he is stationed.

I fought the feeling for years trying to prove it wasn’t true. Until finally things came to an end. Unsurprisingly with his subtle style, or habit, without really finishing, believing probably that when he feels like coming back, I will be waiting for him …

Something he is used to, and it usually works well for him.

However, he didn’t get what it means to enter a woman with children life.

Somehow, that sentence from the movie left me bitter. Opened closed wounds I didn’t want to deal with, believing, he has always been the weak one, despite it all.

But somehow, the bitterness he left behind is still to soaring. Each time I think of how he allowed himself to intrude a family that barely survived, just for his selfish desires to get a whole and full attention, that I was willing to give anyway … I feel angry, resentful, and unforgiving …

Well… it is just nothing but an incoherent moment of reflection because of a movie…..