In the Shadows of M en(excerpt)

ويستوقفني شعوري نحو والدي كثيرا . وجوده كان ويبقى كالنبع المنسدل في حياتي . لا يوقفه حجر او صخرة او شوكة او جذع عن الاستمرار بفيض الحب المنبعث منه .غريب كان في تعبيره عن مشاعره ولا يزال . فهو لا يعرف التعبير . ولكنه مفعم بحب يتدفق منه فتكاد تغتسل فيه وتشرب منه وترتوي. كم كان بعيدا في صغري من حيث وجداني وكم صار وجوديا بين افئدة كياني عندما كبرت… عندما تطلقت .يهاب هو نفسه الاقتراب من التعبير عما يجول في ارجائه من مشاعر . ولكنه ببساطته المفعمة يعيش تصالحا غير اعتيادي مع ذاته ، تجعله بقوة عجيبة. لا يحاول التقمص ولا التغيير. له ما يؤمن به ولا يفرض افكاره على احد. يشبه والدي شجرة النخيل العتيدة عميقة الجذر منتصبة الجذع تنسال ببلحها بكل موسم لا تبالي هواءا ولا حرا. مؤمن بطريقة غريبة عما كنت اعيه وانا صغيرة.بداخل والدي الرجل الذي اتمنى ان اجده ربما . بقلب كقلبه . بحب خالص كحبه.

My feelings towards my father often made me wonder. His presence in my life was like a flowing spring. No stone or rock could stop his love from flooding over me.

He was a stranger to his feelings, and he still is. He doesn’t know how to express his emotions, but he is so full of love that it flows from him, and you can almost wash yourself in it and drink from it until it satisfies your thirst. He was far away from my heart when I was young, but he became part of my heart and life when I grew up, especially when I got divorced.

He fears expressing what is happening inside him. And yet he has entered into an unusual state of reconciliation with himself, and this makes him powerful. He doesn’t pretend and doesn’t attempt to change. He has his own set of beliefs, and he never imposes his ideas on others. My father is like the ancient palm tree with deep roots, proudly upright, carrying its dates every season, not caring about the wind or a burning sun. He is a real believer, in a way that is striking to me now, compared to what I knew of him when I was young.

Inside my father is the man I wish to find—a man with a heart like his, with a pure love like his love.


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