The many Shades of Existence

I am looking at the situation, and I feel there is nothing anymore to contribute to. From every direction we look at, solutions and horizons are shrinking. Politically, everything is a mess; internal politics, regional, international and if there were an outside space it would be a mess.
We don’t know anymore what to focus on, and what to leave. What to discuss and what to ignore. What to follow and what to leave behind. Everything is messed up inside a complexed situation where you cannot even think of light in this dark hollow tunnel of this existence.
We got ourselves in a situation where we only seek survival. No cause is more significant than that represents our straightforward needs, no matter how we claim we fight for humanity, it seems to all start as much as ends with our very own direct needs.
Somehow amid all this, it sounds best to hold firmly to who you are. Regardless of how blurry your identification to who you are is.
As Palestinians, as Israelis, as men, as women … no matter how I put this in categorization.
I am standing once again on this intersection, call it a station, where I am watching another train passing by . asking myself the fundamental question of who am I . what do I represent.
In both questions, the answer is as shady as the fifty shades of the color this state of life provides. Those shades of being a woman. Shades of being a Palestinian . shades of just being human.
I stand in front of my norms of a woman and think: should I be a feminist to stand up for woman’s rights? I am even afraid to say I am not a feminist in the first place. Is being a woman in a patriarchal structure either black or white ? are women angels while men are a pure creation of a demon?
Where do we start in dealing with the conflict? Since when did it become a conflict? How do we prioritize our causes? Which issues should we address?
It is a standpoint where everything is necessary, and nothing can be handled in its proper capacity.
Women get harassed, killed, and it gets as horrible as a woman like Niveen Awadeh found murdered, and the result is an exchange of gold and camels amid a family that was part of her murder and an accused that all know did not commit the crime.
Israel finished all the lands, and we are still asking for a settlement freeze.
The corruption in the PA is leaking in every single direction, and with each exposure, benefits are given to “the caught in corruption figure, ” and we are still nominated for anti-corruption performances worldwide.
Resistance is becoming more of a cliché than a performance, and yet, we boldly stand after humiliating acts of normalization under the notion of resistance. Our standards deteriorated from armed to nonviolence to normalization as a way to resist.
Traitors are becoming national heroes, and idiots are ministers, and the most we can reach as a nation is a reconciliation act with two rivals, and yet, a historical city is being erased, and we are watching with some facebook screams as an act to condemn.
Occupation is becoming a credit to those of us who live directly under.
And amid all this, we still need to filter the many shades of our existence, into some solid color that can define our remaining humanity.