I don’t know if hallucination comes after the strike of half a century or if it is just a serious attempt on the path of wisdom.
Like half a circle, I feel myself standing on that line—half a century in time and life. A trick may be to fate. A circle that closes a century from a 0 to a 0 to make 100. Not necessary in times of calculating our age, but yet in the circle of time, a century closes there but meets halfway on the center where everything has once started.
As if I discovered meaning… that is how I felt since I read the brethren of purity Ikhwan al Safa. It felt as if I suddenly understood how existence functions. How it once worked, and how it will continue to serve until eternity. An eternity that keeps going in circles from one century to another. A process inside a loop of circles in a fulfilling universe that we can barely aspire to realize.
Whenever someone asks me about my age, I say ..now 51, I get the wow expression of, oh, you look younger. Some time, not long ago, I felt well about this considering it a compliment. How stupid it felt to fight time feeds you with growth to look younger.
I feel younger in a different way. As if this is the first year of my life after half of a century of a life that made me grow into the woman I am today.
I am no longer a child, a teenager, a wondering, lost woman trying to find her place in this world where people except her, like her, or look up or down to her.
I am a complete human of a woman filled with a maturity that ripens my existence with beauty and sensuality.
A year after half a century of life, Madonna no longer stands for the Diva I aspired to reach ( in growing fit and keeping glowing beauty).
Oprah Winfrey is no longer my aspired rising star ( a successful self-made woman).
I no longer care if I am getting acknowledged Kafka’s way ( after I die) or J K Rowling ( a strike of sudden attention to my writing).
I feel myself standing on that straight line of what splits our lives into two. That starting point downwards until I reached 50. Half a circle is drawn with a compass. A move forward until the closure of another half of a century.. with me or without me being here on earth until then, I find myself part of the making of this miraculous circle of a century of existence.
A time of ascendence after descendent
A time when your steps make you rise and not just climb
A time when complaining is replaced with contemplation and better consideration
A time to rest and not to exhaust one’s mind and body in an unnecessary race.
A time when being smart can only be a sext flavor for your wisdom, and when your sexiness strikes from your mind, and your kindness is reflected in the eyes.
A year after half a century, like the first years of your first existence on this earth, beauty becomes in your nature. The more nature reflects itself in you, the more beautiful you become.
A master of destiny with a powerful smile: I am the master of my food’ I eat what I like ( as long as the scale is broken), I lock my door (when the kids were around, our doors were occasionally closed), I don’t force myself into a read I dislike, a discussion I don’t want to listen to, a company I don’t like.
I can stand behind my thoughts, ideas, and ideals and speak them out without fear or feeling undermined.
I look at my photos, at myself in the mirror, and I think… I am beautiful. I am growing with a tasteful grace.
( proudly resisting Botox, fillers, and plasticizing images of what one once was)
51 I think, and I say wow to myself… you made it, girl… you made it, and you are the master of your destiny…
Destiny with an absolute peace of mind and heart that walks through whatever remains in time to a soulful eternity when the time comes into an infinity of existence.