Each day I grow…

Each day I grow into maturity , I realise how much the child in me , probably a teenager by now needs to flourish . It is amazing how it comes together .. Maturity and nourishing the child within….
This is the story of my life… A search backed up by my four rays of enlightenment …

Each day I grow into maturity , I realise how much the child in me , probably a teenager by now needs to flourish . It is amazing how it comes together .. Maturity and nourishing the child within….
This is the story of my life… A search backed up by my four rays of enlightenment …


Politics is the Art of …

Politics is the art of the possible, the attainable , the art of the next best …


I started to write in Arabic, explaining my struggle with the words as I attempt to transfer them from my head to my hand on the keyboard, and I detect them as they hover unprinted while I pointlessly hunt for the letters here and there.

Furthermore, discerning the situation and as I usual internalize it. Watching the Palestine Israeli question in the me and my ex-husband ghastly divorce. Shifting the Abbas-Dahlan scandal into the “me and my mother” after divorce perpetual wriggling affair.

I clogged, choosing that there is no need for internalizing scandals, and I ought to emphasize on the cause\struggle\ conflict\scandal of the vaster matters than me … The Nation, The Home-land.

As anticipated, things revert to point zero. We cannot distinguish anymore where the conflict really began. Who ignited it and why. And as usual we are all joggling in a chaotic scene scratching in the faces of our opponents who were unquestionably a day ago probably our friends.

Things turn into a mingled blend .So mixed up. And the first thing anyone would ask you: “Which side are you on?” “Who are you with?” The other who is not on your side is definitely the iniquitous one.

One question remains scribbling in my head. Why did Abbas choose this time to declare war on Dahlan right before going to Washington to discuss AN IMPORTANT ISSUE: NEGOTIATIONS? Which leads me to another question: Why did Dahlan select this time to respond to Abbas’s accusation? Which takes me to another question: Does Egypt involvement relate to the current Israeli attack on Gaza?

Which takes me to another note; that Gaza has been under attack by the Israeli war machine since last week.

This categorically fashions the popping of another question. Is Abbas era as a president finally shedding out and a new ‘substitute’ is due ? And Dahlan ponders it is the moment to strike back as the next Fateh Strong man, while Abbas is defiantly challenging him by going to Washington with a final perhaps card to negotiate on: Marwan Barghouthi release? Maybe also Marwan would be the remaining Trojan Horse in Abbas’s pouch, and the Israeli’s as well. By freeing Marwan people will APLLAUD really very loud, even more vociferous than the applauding for Assaf, and the Odyssey amongst Fateh rivals. It will be so lurid, that we the ‘people’ will not even contemplate of anything more valuable, and it could be whatever is bequeathed from what was once a homeland. Something that is reminiscent of declaring a state in the United Nation …

This way, Abbas will give the final blow to Dahlan of course!!!!

Certainly, I am a naïve not serious analyst. All what I know our politicians divulge in , is the term: politics is the art of the possible (which I am pretty sure they don’t know who said it) and it goes to ‘The attainable…The art of the next best.’ Which I am also rather sure our politicians don’t know.

Reality or Illusion

Reality of Illusion

In a start up of a year , that all its realities are nothing but a continued illusion . I feel myself forced to stop and allude myself with a reality that continues to force itself into an illusion .

Of course this must be the effect of philosophy studies on me . At least I can philosophize the illusion of this reality within context now !!!

How cynical it is , to sit around your dining table with your kids, to discuss issues that confuses the norms and principles of what you grew up to believe as solid sets of behaviors and realize that your principles are nothing but phantoms of illusion in a reality that is invaded by a whole new set of illusion .

You switch on the tv , and you shock yourself with the new reality of what looked like an illusion some months ago , and the transformation of each ones reality into an illusion of the other side . sisi’s Egypt or mursi’s ? who is the reality and who is the illusion ?

Getting closer to the news of the center of the universe US . it is US not U.S of course!!!

So there is a Kerry’s plan , still a secret ? well the secret is the illusion and the context is the reality of the illusion .

The different officials announcement , seriously , are they reality or illusions ? what is reality , what is illusion ?

Abbas talks to jewish students , the international boycott movement against Israel ?

No more refugees question ? or we will solve some of the issue later . But for sure, Safad was officially dropped from the map . that is not an illusion .

Mr Abbas illusion of peace or of a state ? what is the reality of his continuous disastrous conclusions?

Akkkkh ya watan , this is the remaining real feeling of an owe to a homeland that the only reality is that it became an illusion .

I can go back to the illusion of the reality that my surrounding forces on me and continue to pretend a reality of my insanity with an illusion to be sane …


Pedagogy of the Oppressed or the Colonizer

Pedagogy of the Oppressed, or the Colonizer?!

I usually take the Israeli harassment with a sense of humor. After all, they are the occupation. They will not be normal if they treat us well. And somehow treating us well is not something I like to happen because it makes me subconsciously normalize with their existence.

For instance, in the airport, I voluntarily offer my striptease services. I make jokes about the body check. I walk with them through all the security mazes like a princess with her security guards.

On the checkpoints, depending on the severity of the checkpoint, I wear a grave face on Qalandia, and I could be easily provoked actually, but at Ze’ayyem, it became more of a game of psychological body language. I just drive by like an Israeli, and it works …

So many stories of playing around checkpoints and security checks. Somehow adapting rather than getting mad and furious. And thankfully, there will always be an Israeli who will pop up to remind me that we are under occupation.

But there is a limit to what I can take for security measures. It is only Israelis in this country who are allowed to harass me, because, again and again, Israel is a state that is occupying me, and that is what occupation system does.

I could also understand that Palestinian police or security system may adopt such measures, it is part of the pedagogy of the oppressed mentality; to regenerate what the oppressor did to the oppressed until the oppressed comes to his own means of understanding to what kind of system and behavior he wants to choose for himself.

But, why do liberated, UN occupying countries in my homeland need to adopt the same measure of behavior? It is not about what security procedure is. It is evident. It is about the attitude of dehumanization that is adopted. Countries that have their missions here to serve their interests with us. Regardless if those interests take the shape of grants or developmental projects. In the end, they are serving their own agenda of interest, not ours. And apparently, they don’t get yet, that we understand that.

I always wonder, why under the name of humanitarian aid and all that money that is pumped under the name of Palestinian support, we “ the under-privileged” “ oppressed” “ poor” have to apply for visas (of course I know they are afraid that we immigrate to their prosperous countries) and pay. When the Israeli (who also may be willing to migrate to their prosperous country) doesn’t need a visa. And the money issue. Each time we have to travel and spend our money in those countries we pay them money to GRANT us entry for the date of stay. If someone wants to visit six times a year, he would need to pay 600 euro +, and of course, I wouldn’t think of more travels because he would need to apply two weeks in advance, and probably plan a month before. So an average Palestinian who wishes to be a traveler can do this maximum six times a year. But of course, why would a weak occupied deprived, underprivileged Palestinian need to travel?? Of course, those who travel, have access to long-term visas and most likely free, because there is a category of, privileged underprivileged Palestinians that are blessed with the West’s acceptance (because they bring business to them).

Why am I saying all this? I feel being inside another state of mental hallucination!!

It was some days ago, that I was invited with my colleagues of the program, that is run by a German University, and Blessed by the Ministry of Foreign Affairs (and paid for it too) to the German Representative Office in Ramallah to congratulate us for our scholarships and to hand us the grant that included cash and laptops. Very generous and appreciated of course from our side. And the Cultural Attaché’ kindly and generously invited us for lunch later.

Again, it was a very appreciated gesture that we all regarded with a zest.

We went there, gratified and delighted I would say. Expecting (playing with my mind) to be received in a ceremony (thinking of the email we received). It wasn’t my first time in the German Rep Office in Ramallah, and in other Rep Offices around, so I kind of know how things go. As I was entering, I was taken by surprise to see a Palestinian security woman, waiting inside the booth for females check. It reminded me of Amman Airport or other airports. Whereas in airports, its’ airports, not a live scene on the street in Ramallah. I felt diffident in entering, and after giving it, some thought I was settled not. I felt that I couldn’t afford to go through such feelings of subjugation at this moment. My colleagues insisted that I come in with them and that it will all take a few minutes, and after all people are waiting for us inside. (Somehow, my conscience had to remind me that after all, I am a Palestinian, and I shouldn’t really feel what ordinary people feel; degradation is part of our identity).

Even though, upon our arrival, a voice came from inside telling the security guard that this is a group that he should allow to enter. Our reception wasn’t as welcoming as expected. Aside from all the hostility in the air, I felt like standing in a row at the office of the Interior in Jerusalem, where the security people play games on mortifying us. As it was my male colleague to enter, he made sure I pass before; he was of course buzzing and voluntarily removing his belt. I don’t know what exactly happened in that instance, I admit I was occupied being incitinsulted, shamming to be finishing sending an email before they take my mobile as well. Suddenly loud voices were in the air, and the German security official, who was watching from the beginning to make sure were searched efficiently flinched into the scene and asked my colleague to leave, saying that he will not be allowed to enter. It was that my colleague (who is a 1000% diplomat in his attitude) asked the security man, that he will open his bag for him (that my partner wants to open his own personal bag for the security, because somehow that safety man was putting all his belongings out in a manner that apparently embarrassed my colleague, without even waiting for him to open it). The German jerked in, in such haughty, insolent manner, without even giving a damn space for explanation and asked my colleague to leave in a very offensive, disrespectful, boorish manner. My colleague was reasoning with him, telling him that he will not leave because he is invited here, and it is not him who decides to take him out (of course my colleague was counting on his good connections with the Germans). The German security official was infuriated, and he told him if you don’t leave I will call the police, and he did.

It was happening too fast. From my side, I was appeased, to tell the truth, because I was under the impression that what was taking place is inappropriate from the beginning.

So I promptly took it an opportunity for us to depart. Two of our colleagues who were already there earlier were signaled to leave by us, and they joined.

A Palestinian Policeman grabbed my partner by the hand. The whole disarray was taking place.

I was a bit (probably more) of apprehensive with my colleagues who were trying to reason with them.For me, it was a simple issue. We were not welcomed. Not only that, we were thrown out; disposed of. We leave. And it is them who should worry about giving us our things.

There was a massive dispute out there, I was too incensed to get in anything of what was materializing, and I just wanted to go to my car and leave.

There was a split somehow that turned into trying to convince me to enter from one side, and some Germans probably trying to convince the group to join.

We decided to go to Darna for lunch anyway and treat ourselves with our own invitation, not theirs.

At some point, and as in the Palestinian way, apparently, the chaos turned to us. We have torn asunder into those who thought we should have entered and finished with this thing and take the scholarship, and that we shouldn’t jeopardize blowing it up. And there was my group who believed that the whole behavior was unacceptable, and if it would take to blow it up, so let it happen.

What surprised me is our defiance in this. Of how, if we don’t go and get this ‘trophy’ we are subjecting ourselves to the risk of losing it.

And what if we lose it? In a quick common sense calculations, we were not about to lose anything, this is a grant we are receiving upon an agreement, and no one is doing us a favor. We are giving them back what is in that agreement anyway. Actually, it is them, who need us. It is a shock of how we Palestinians behave in such situations, apparently in all. I have to admit that the German approach in this sense was a result of such defiance. We were there to receive a grant, a charity from the German people!!!! The attitude towards us is that they give us and we receive with gratitude.

I felt like shrieking, and I must have done that… For God’s sake, no one is doing us any favor here. It is a great thing that this program is happening, but as much as it is right for us, it is good for them. We didn’t go and ask them for anything; it was a deal between them and us. We are working on the making and realization of this program, that they damn want, probably more than us, especially that they are financing it.

Up keeping my opinion, the colleagues who were there before us and received their grants were treated poorly. One of them described what happened saying he felt like being locked in a cage. They gave them the laptops and made them sign with not even a smile on anyone’s face. With not even a receiving hello from anyone. They were waiting for something they didn’t know, and luckily it was we. Because no one showed up to say a word of welcoming even or saying what will happen next.

It was another time, we Palestinians should have been gratified with the excellent West help and donation … God. It wasn’t a gift, right?

We went later to Darna for lunch. My colleague called the attaché, ’ and she joined us for lunch. … Somewhere, she had to remain in power, seeing us hesitant among ourselves. Some of us thanking her tremendously for the German kindness and generosity, sensing the typical Palestinian shooting on the foot consequences.

What happened next ??

Yes, I received a laptop and a good amount of cash to carry in my purse. It was definitely not the way I wanted it to happen. But, if I refrained from going, I would have ended up to be alone, and definitely the foolish person. It is true that the German lady accompanied us to the Rep Office, and did what should have been done from the beginning, being there at the check place, since it is a procedure, and they cannot avoid the security fear test. But they can humanize the act, since we Palestinians, sometimes are not there to solicit their giving’s away; that I hope we Palestinians one day realize, that every cent that is spent in this country from any country or source is the price of occupation from one side, and it is an investment to that country before us. Every cent that is distributed in the name of Palestinian aid is more that 70% shared by these countries. So we are nothing but the product of their “white-collar industry.”


Nakba or Defeat… a year before.. a year after

Nakba or Defeat …

What is the difference? 66, 67, 68  years ago,  a new state was given birth and half a population of a nation were displaced.

Should we have accepted the partition plan? Should we have accepted peace with the new state that was given by force our own land?

Would that have resulted in avoiding our displacement, our ongoing diaspora? Would the terrorist organization, namely hagana had stopped its aggressions on locals and the massacres that resulted in terrorizing the whole nation would have been avoided?

As years slip in front of our eyes and lives, and our almost seventy years of diaspora, occupation, oppression and loss slowly find their way in the leaves of history books. What seems to remain is a commemoration of what is left of our memories of being?

And, as our struggle with occupation, and our resistance to aspire freedom, become a struggle for life. For a personal resilience to be or not to be a Palestinian.

To watch a youth that resembled me some years ago, resembling my son today, falling down as a martyr or as a victim … who cares. A young life that should be starting to dream of future of freedom … Dwells to the unknown skies of promised martyrdom under an arrogant bullet that stretched directly in the chest to displace him from life not just from a nation.

As the memory fades, and history is being in the process of rewriting, by the stronger. By the occupation. While we are being blamed for not accepting occupation with white and red roses. While the memories of defeat and blame are stoned on us.

Brutality of occupation never seizes to strike us … directly in the chests and lives of our beings. In our lives. When another Palestinian or two or three or whatever number is down. It is another Palestinian whose life is amended with a direct ticket with a bullet that will continue to witness the brutality of occupation, and the resilience, the thrive to live in Freedom.Image

Auschwitz Education!!!!

Auschwitz Education!!!!

The news stormed a bit around the issue of Dr. M. Dajani taking a group of Palestinians students to the Auschwitz in Poland recently. Regardless of the reactions, if it was a courageous action!!! Or an act of collaboration; the debate might go on. Sadly speaking, we are in a situation, where the broad outlines of what used to resemble our nationality as Palestinians have been sabotaged since quite some time.

The whole concepts used for the conflict business have been as well exploited, from peace to normalization. From war to the intifada. From a state to the territory. One is careful with every word he uses because the terminology of the phrase has been part of this industry.

Before I proceed, I would like to stress on the fact, that I am a person who takes pride in having friends who happened to be Israelis. I am free t have encountered and worked as well wit some Israelis. The few years I spent as a student at the Hebrew university have been the best years of my academic/social life, even though I was too incompetent as a student. And I am currently studying in an educational program with Israeli partnership.

This doesn’t mean that I am not against boycotting as a tool for pressuring the Israeli occupation. It is true as well that most of what has been done in this regard, locally, is immature, inconsistent, intolerant, inefficient and other terms that will pop later in my head. This doesn’t mean that the attempts of some people or groups are respected and valuable and efficient. It is also important to highlight here, that the international boycott campaign is a more robust, useful and fruitful move and it is funnily working well.

I insist on making my own statement here, knowing that many will oppose. I firmly believe that to solve the Israel-Palestine Question we need Palestinians and Israelis to do it. Palestinians and Israelis who honestly think that a solution that is based on justice should prevail. Such Palestinians and Israelis are not in the headlines of the news, and they are not in government cabinets, and they are not the Peacenik Brokers who have benefited from the situation and transformed it into profitable businesses in the last decades.

Some years ago, I happened to be part of a discussion with the U.N headquarters in Gaza while complaining about Hamas government for not allowing the Holocaust education in the curriculum. Entering Gaza for the first time, into what looked like a visual ghetto I suggested ‘ cynically’ that Hamas should allow the courses with assigning field trips to show them the entrance to Gaza as a real example of Ghettos.

A question remained in my head since then, what should I as a Palestinian learn from studying the Holocaust?

What am I supposed to learn from studying or understanding the injustice, murder, crimes committed against my oppressor? Should I justify his crimes against me? I know that when I understand my mother’s misery as in her earlier years, makes me let’s say justify her insecurities in her behaviors today. But she remains my mom. When I identify with the evil doings against the Jews in the Holocaust, does it make occupation an easier place? Should I thank them for not putting me yet in an oven and fry me? Should I ask them to mark my arms with signs that say I am Palestinian?

For years, I tried to grow into a more tolerant person, that I believe aim trying to become. However, I found it so unfair, and so unjust, to ask me as a Palestinian to look at the misery of the Jews that resulted In the creation of Israel in my own life and land, while I live every single moment of my life, a life f diaspora, racism, systemic ethnic cleansing, separation with barriers, checkpoints, and permits to move from one plot to another. When my life as a Palestinian is not far, if not the same or maybe worse than what the Nazi did. YES, I know we were not killed in millions. But in sixty years of occupation, Israel has performed and continues to perform what the Nazis did in centuries of European resentment to Jews.

I refuse to bring a Palestinian to see the Auschwitz in Poland and Israeli to a refugee camp. Sorry sir, the Auschwitz with all its cruelty, resembles a crime that you may mirror with the memories of the past. The refugee camp is the result of the creation of Israel. Our misery is not the same. We are asked to sympathize with our oppressor over crimes that others caused him.

As a matter of fact, this act backfires. Because, on a human level, I can resemble with an Israeli on many acts of life. We can sympathize with one another on losses. We can be happy for one another for special occasions. We can be friends, we can be colleagues, we can sometimes put politics aside and be just who we are PEOPLE. But the moment you tell me that I have to sympathize with a Jew, I cannot but see my own misery. Our corpses, our homes, our land are the demonstration of this problem. It feels like stomping over our corpses and making a show to the world pointing towards a documentary on the Holocaust, while the world is watching, it is our bodies, dead and alive that are being stumped. I see each and every face of Palestinian victims dead and alive with each scene I watch.

You cannot stump on me from one side, and ask me to be your audience from the other.

You cannot ask me to identify with a demonstration that I am suffering today by its heroes.

I need Israel and the world, to uplift its occupation from me first. I need to be treated like a human being first. I need to experience justice to be just in my emotions and judgments to others.

And I still insist, that there are causes that I am ready to fight for with my life that concern Israelis. Because peace is about two people standing on the same ground regardless of their weight or height. It is about two individuals who see each other as people. Individuals who look towards the other and see another regular human that he can deal or not deal with. And these people exist. And these people don’t need to show me the Auschwitz. Because the Auschwitz reminds them of me, in the cruelty of oppression, and thus … occupation .tion

To be or not to be…not to be is…

To be or not to be … not to be is the definite answer


Well, that’s what seems to be willed to be. As I spent the last week draining my energy out thinking and applying for visas, it was another time feeling dragged into a corner. I don’t know what is it really. Why is it so hard for me to submit to the fact that it is normal to apply for a visa? Everyone does. Well, almost everyone does.

Each time I have to think while filling an application form, of how hard it is anyway. I have my name written wrongly each time, the Jordanians skip a letter, and the Israelis change the whole format of the name. And my name is another name. As I always think of it, being a Palestinian with a Jordanian nationality written on your Israeli travelling document, holding a temporarily Jordanian passport residing Jerusalem doesn’t seem to be that easy for regular speculation.

So applying for a visa, with all those documents, fingerprints, proves that I will come back from the promised heaven I will launch myself to. A paper proving that I work, another proving my financial situation, an invitation, a ticket, why, how where and how much, and then we have to pay. Applying for a visa should be a good business.

I know I am a Palestinian with lack of gratitude. I don’t know. As I have been also recently thinking, it must be that Cleopatra reincarnated soul in me that is being punished this way, not submitting to the fact that being a Palestinian means probably being lesser of a human being.

Oh, and if I am complaining about the Schengen area, who honestly seemed great in comparison to the British. Well, a Palestinian thinking of sending her son to London for some time is not really the best idea a Palestinian can think of. Paying for courses, flights, accommodation is something, applying for the visa is another. Online application, with no human factors. The human employee actually is not assigned to talk to you while you apply (she made an exception actually to me since she knows me “well” by telling me all the things she shouldn’t tell me in the wrong paper I had with me. so if she doesn’t tell me, who is supposed to tell me. I don’t know if we Palestinians as a general rule want to travel outside this rotten place because we always or generally have a plan to leave to heaven.

I really don’t understand why does the world treat us this way.

First they strip us away from a country. We don’t even know if we ever had a country. Whatever we had they give it t away and make it Israel. Israel has more than three millions of its citizens residing outside Israel, and we Palestinians inside the West bank and Gaza barely close the three million altogether, and in addition to Israel locking us behind walls and barriers, inside slums and enclaves, the world makes sure that we have the utmost restrictions.

So what is it exactly, they want to get rid of us for the sake of Israel from one side, and they are afraid we go and stay in their countries from another. Can’t the world get it yet that we are not exactly interested in leaving this place? Well, yes, I wish I did. But that is not the case.

What is it seriously , that makes the world treats us the way it does. I understand we Palestinians have failed ourselves recently . But what is it about us that makes them cautious of us . Is it this realization that the injustice that is thrown on us as people is so unbearable and one day we will just explode ? is it that no normal humans can bear it in such a way for so long ?

I understand that I am a spoilt person after all .. I lack gratitude towards those who help me and my people . But somehow , I don’t know if it is their demand to make me more of liberal and aware to my needs as a human being that is moving me . What I know is that there is something inside me that is resisting such way of life. Something inside me that cannot see this as life. Something inside me insists that there is something else of life … Is it reliance . Or is it naïve arrogance . I really don’t know .



Death the absent the present ….

To the good memory of my dear friend Omar Badrieh , May your soul rest in peace

In the hectic way of life . With all the strangely bad news that is moving around . One would say , it is all part of the movement of life . Death , accidents , disasters …happen all the time , but they don’t necessary touch us . within the circle of life, we think we are immuned from such disasters. Even though we know that death is happening anyway . but we are never prepared to it . we are prepared to be shocked on the news of the death of a far a way person , a relatively close person . we are prepared to see the news on the newspaper . But it always far from us and our beloved ones. It is always too far from us .

In the last few days, the news of the killing of the young men from differnet part of the nation made the maybe look closer ,as we scroll down the social media and stalk into what was their private walls that was only accessible to their friends .

I was still recovering from the shocking news of a dear person surviving a deadly accident , thinking of how unpredictable life is . how much of how we can be planning our days and years to realize that we may simply have no control even on a moment . To receive a still shocking news about the death of a woman , that even though I can say I briefly knew . But destiny made our life intersect since we were in the university , to meet her in a strange encounter where somehow divorced women maybe tend to connect . Admittingly saying , that I failed to help or support . To later intersecting with her ex-husband who becomes a dear friend . Whne some months ago , I received the news of his fatal disease that seems to be giving him a very little time left for life . Watching him from a cowardly position , being unable to contribute with real support or anything , just praying indepth for his safety and health .

He was organizing his death . wisely he believed. Making peace with his ex-wife. Securing her and the kids. Making the perfect plan for his departure, while pretending he was defeating a cancer that is eating him rapidly .

The compromise with his wife must have been not easy for both of them , but she must have thought . He is leaving soon , let it end peacefully and wisely for the sake of the kids .

When suddenly , and with no previous alert or notice , death strikes her not him .

How strange . How fair or unfair . How just or unjust . How timely or untimely.

How could it be? The angel of death wondering probably in that house waiting for the time of that man to end, and in a sudden, or probably a totally destined prepared detour he decides to take her not him.

How striking death can be.

As if death mocks us even when it leaves us totally stripped from our powers. When we are totally empty handed, muted, shocked.

It continues to move around, with its own set of plans. With its own set of pre-set list … and watch us carefully, patiently, mockingly as we roam around our meaningless life.

I wish you the Peace you wished to have Aswan. There must be a fair, just situation up there, in that unknown place called eternity.

May your Soul Rest in Peace

A Non Exactly moment of wondering : Being Palestinian

Being Palestinian … Not Exactly . Being Jerusalemite.. And it goes to another Not Exactly !

Being a Non Exactly means you travel with a Non Exactly Jordanian passport and a Non Exactly Israeli document .. You are marked with a special non religious probably ethnic 6 number, that makes you Non Exactly special.

A certain treatment that starts with exclusive harassment and violations to what it means to be just a normal human being .. 

Stares and gazes that are mixed with suspicion and criminalizing looks . Sympathizing and guilty gestures . Both from the same people … No matter how you try to behave like a normal being … You still remain Not Exactly normal…

A Non Exactly Striptease that takes a form of a Non Exactly taking off your clothes until you buzz in Non Exactly censored areas . Otherwise you are as well privileged to a Non Exactly massage service , that includes touching every single piece of skin that covers your suspicious figure … All in all Non Exactly any of the above mentioned services that you really like to offer or to receive under the given conditions .

The journey with being Non Exactly doesn’t start or end with the journey itself. With the preparation to leave this “havenly” engraved space . Unless for very limited places … You are Not Exactly capable of going anywhere without a definite Not Exactly defined  status for your Non Exactly defined status .. 

You are a Palestinian but without a Palestinian Passport , which you  would say maybe it is not exactly bad. A Jordanian passport with a ” T” mark that makes it Not Exactly special. With a place of birth indicated as Jerusalem  . And Israeli red (anything but diplomatic) traveling document that indicates your are Jordanian next to nationality slot . 

So how to apply to a visa anywhere ???? It is a Not Exactly easy job, or answer .Especially that many if not most are not aware of our Non Exactly existing status . Even when checked in Israeli borders , those young inspectors may ask you if it’s your first time in Israel.. 

You travel with one Non Exactly document in hand and one in the pocket on each different passing border depending on the severity of the Non Exactly document you hold to the country of destination .. and you come back , and received with a seriously Non Exactly special welcoming .No matter how long or short the flight was . How convenient or tiring . If it was at noon or midnight ..You always receive the very same Non Exactly ,non exactly special service of another round of Non Exactly meaningful questions , and inspections that always takes you to a special room with another series of inspecting machines that according to your lucky stars could go as re inspecting every single item you carry , or a minimum of all luggage inspection through x-ray machines only. 

In the meantime, a boyfriend or a partner who might not be privileged to be Palestinian , may wonder about your non exactly normal or not normal life , and give you the stigma of being a complaining creature when you are non exactly even a Jew.

Each time you will wonder … isn’t it better to just stay there in the non exactly luxury of just passing checkpoints ?


A non exactly moment of wondering


Pandora Box

Right .. inside that Pandora box was just a hollow being that switched from a Peter Pan to a Dr. Jeckyle and Mr. Hyde.. and at its best performed his actual role as a Vampire… and it is true … what can come out from a DEAD MAN WALKING? ( from the diary of a woman who was trapped by a psychopath )

Jumping from a Pandora box of a life of a human being that cleverly switched once from a peter pan to Dr. Jeckyle and Mr. Hyde. Another from a narcissist to a hollow vampire. An empty existence of what is perfectly quoted as a ‘dead man walking.’ How much of pathetic is it to stay in an apparently pathetic relationship? When flags of all colors jump in front of you from all directions warning you just to jump and run for your life.

Somehow, to continue to be a perfect victim to such characters cannot be any compliment. But to allow one human being to trap you within one pathetic disguise and another is only a work of a master of naivety. No compliments, and no place for even blame. It is something that goes beyond.

How much of such people are out there? Science says it is one out of twenty. It should make nineteen rational human beings. But somehow that one could do the work of a hundred messing one’s life together.

How much should one warn others from falling into traps of a psychopath … maybe as long as one can?

Yes.. they are tricky. They come in this beautiful disguise of worn out poor souls that their survival perhaps is bound to you. Survival is not obliged to you .. Sucking your energy out, your soul .. is what they do .. and they live on your positive vibes and energy . on your bright man, while they jump from one victim to another.

But it is not easy … because it is your energy they are walking out with.

One day he will pay… hopefully when you are long beyond remembering even his existence… because all that you need to do is to keep running … run with whatever is left of your life.. because your life is valuable when he is not in it.


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