love is cureles…

love is cureless… definitely filled with cruelness …supported with a full package of stupidly clueless…(pointless wisdom)

Reflection on a bitter reflection

It is just heartrending to watch this all.

I do not know what funny, what sarcastic, what ironic, or what simply too sad is.

It is all too sad to watch and live.

I am still reflecting on your words of yesterday, now on TV, another Egyptian analyst was saying your exact words about a state and a group; he was firing all his anger on Nasrallah, and one more time it is all the same story. He was accusing Nasrallah of being a gangster and killing Lebanese, precisely the way you mentioned Hamas stripping Palestinians and throwing them from the 17th floor.

After this crisis is over, all diplomatic engagement will go back; no one will tell anyone that he did or said this or that.

Israel is there continuing its attacks, increasing them, mobilizing its troops and people, and we are fighting.

In the past, individuals and rumors used to be sneaked from behind the scenes of the Arab discretion, which is anything but discreet. The difference between the past and today is that we are watching it all live.

I can scribble into any of those books written yesterday or 50 years ago, or 100 years ago, and I will see what is happening today written by a pen by an Arab scholar.

It is so sad to see it, not just to hear it.

There is nothing more we can justify. It is all there in front of us, and we are still reacting, offending and not doing anything.

I feel in a strange situation. In a way, one more time, being forced to hear you, to go deep inside those words I hear on TV screens. It is stranger, it is people versus governments, and you represent a state, I am sure our whole interaction would have been different if you were just people.

As I try to fight within myself, my emotions that are so blunt and rigid in front of me, I cannot ignore what you say or feel. I can blame you for being senseless and unyielding,

However, I cannot but stop and hear you. It hurts not being able to reach out somewhere. Somewhere where we actually can bend and see through the ground. See the real damages.

Behind every human shed, is a human story, like mine and yours? Those five sisters killed today, that child died in the targeting of the four activists, those children rushing away from schools, those people begging on the borders, all those people killed, all those injured in those hospitals. All have stories not different than ours, and we fail to see.

Why would be Shalit safety more important, why are his mother and family are closer for us to be seen than all those poor victims?

Why is the panic of that Israeli woman in Sderot greater than the fear of these people under the fire?

What more do we need?

Why can’t we see them? Why can’t we see the virtue of those lost lives?

While we are fighting, while we are blaming each other, while you are playing machos in refusing to open the borders. It is true, what did the Palestinians give you in return. Why would you sacrifice Egyptians lives for a Palestinian lost cause, but why would you think opening borders would do to these people. In any regular part of a world, in times of wars and attacks, people tend to run, to run for their lives, maybe if the borders are opened the losses will be reduced. Maybe it will give the enemy a reason to stop or reevaluate his move.

I could understand that your standpoint as a government is pressed to be different from that of a person like me, I know there is no way that Israel will be the ally, but this attitude is not healthy, and only increases our fractions.

Our anger and frustration are healthy, but we need to be wise, in concentrating on our mutual enemy, even if this enemy disguises in different faces, it is all so obvious, we do not need to learn from the past, we need to learn from the present.

Yesterday, while we were arguing, I was seeing my uncle, whom I consider as a fundamentalist in his thinking, meaning one-sided, totally blocked despite his wisdom.

However, then you reminded me of my fight with zafer. This battle that occupied us so much to a level that we forgot that the victims are those children, our children. This egoistic look and attitude, ignoring the core issue and getting hooked with the CARROT.

We need to be wise in the way we calculate our moves and attacking our targets.

Our problem, your problem, is the occupation, the Israeli attacks, not who provoked and why.

Gaza is not Hamas, Gaza is 1.5 million mother, father, husband, sister, brother, wife, son, daughter, elderly, and others. Gaza is a chain of human beings, who need to be treated like regular people; their lives should be dealt with in your life and mine. Moreover, our fight should be for the people, not for the system because at this moment it is individuals who are paying the price, not a system.

With the many pieces of wisdom, I received from you yesterday, was that Hamas cannot be uprooted, the only way Hamas will go out is with a national consensus through the election. These attacks, exactly like your other words of wisdom about how the people in Egypt who could hate their state, would defend it with all that they have if anyone touches its sovereignty. So are the people in Gaza and the States and everywhere. This is how people like Hamas are rooted, through such coercions, people feel urged to believe in these people, because they are all now standing in one line facing the same compulsion, not watching and bullying them.

Our people are in need, not because they are the demanding spoilt Palestinians, but because they are a nation under occupation.

Palestinians are the sacrifice that was given to the western colonization with creating Israel, Israel, who defeated all the Arab troops gathered in many forces in six days.

Israel who is not a colonial settlement only, it is a factual setting occupation. Don’t blame us for this occupation.

It is there, and it is a whole history of an entire nation defeat.

Ever since I knew you, my whole perception of the Egyptian status here changed, in many ways on a more humanistic level, despite all my reservations, honestly, never even wanted to know what you are doing, because it is not my kind of ideologies of what I want as a Palestinian. Part of me understood your striving to make a difference, part of me wanted to see that difference, but a part of me was terrified of solutions based on defeat.

In your world, and views. In the whole world’s views, we are stupid to think of resistance; we are nothing but current and future terrorist foundations. We are stupid to believe that we can defeat Israel . all this …

Yes, Israel is with the power of force. Israel is the modernity in comparison to our backwardness.

Israel is the opportunity, and we are the darkness.

However, Israel is built on our ashes, our bones.

We are the people of this land. Our fight is just. Because our cause is just.

In the past, your people fought to kick out the British despite the tyranny of the monarchy, and you consider it and me as a heroic time in your history.

Don’t blame my people for wanting to live with dignity.

Whatever your efforts lead us is nothing but more oppression and disgrace. Because you stopped seeing Israel as an enemy . and you see us as your spoilt drunk little brother.

It is again like my fight with my ex

When I was fought for doing this and that and forcing me to give up the kids, to the man they all knew was incompatible and untrustable, but can afford what I cannot afford. Instead of backing me up and supporting me I was jut pushed towards the edges of anything. I was denied my inherent right of being a mother, and blamed for leaving an abusive husband, and condemned for not bearing more, and everyone forgot what the origin of all this was, to some extent I did too.

I am too tired again,

Moreover, maybe our debate will never meet at any point because we both are on different parallels of this whole path, you are a government, and I am a community.

To be continued….

Apparently, this tragedy is just at its beginning …

Nadia

29-12-08

(this is an email I must have sent to one of my diplomat friends ( it is embarrassing that I do not remember )))

Faceless

Faceless

 

For the past few weeks , I have been trying to write something and stopping , to a certain extent because I was too dejected which affected my physical handling to my mind , and partly because I was reading reviews and articles that spoke up my mind ..

However, as the days are passing, nothing seems to be shifting to a more encouraging state of affairs . The more I read those exasperating newspapers headlines the worse I feel, and the further despair hammers on my head .

Every so often , I undergo a commotion of accumulating all the news headlines and assembling an article out of them , the result will be a cynical, ridiculous, contemptuous , sad, frustrating , gloomy reality that doesn’t seem to be ending .

Two realities, based on hypothetical approaches , our leaders breaching projects, participating in dinners , going to the streets , flourishing economics, condemning occupation through soliciting to stop settlements and retaining security.

People suffering ,tormenting , starving , economic deterioration , expanding settlements, demolitions, autocracy , despotism , insecurity, and a long list of agony goes on .

What provoked me to write today, is a news headline that fondled my eyes ,as I was reading, “the white house declaring a conference in Washington between Abbas, Netanyaho, and Obama” . Abbas has been saying all over the news for the last few weeks that he will not meet with Netanyaho unless he stops the settlements . Until a few hours ago , one of the headlines was saying that Abbas is refusing to meet with Netanyaho.

It is such a perplexing sentiment . The contradiction is not just between what we hear and what we see , but between what we hear and what we hear .

Even when it is a meager demand , to stop the settlements , even when we are watching them minimizing our cause, a whole system of occupation into stopping settlements , we can’t get an upright standpoint .

Instead of taking the new UN inspection report and forcing it in the upcoming UN gathering and oblige i the world to take action against Israel continuous violations to whatever is left from our humanity . We carry on in the path of deterioration .

I feel too worn-out to even write . I see it all going in the same path of a dark faceless nowhere . And we are watching and accepting .

Nadia Harhash

20-9-09

A reflection on a Bitter Reality

A reflection on a Bitter Reality ,

As we are witnessing this massive israelization to Jerusalem as never before, we are also witnessing a colossal thump on our national identity . we are torn into a Fateh and Hamas ,and the occupation is surrounding us expanding its colonies, israelizing our homes and roads, enclaving us with additional walls .

The world is once again watching , condemning merely , incapable of stopping an evacuation of a family that was deported from its original home sixty years ago, to be evacuated again into another Diaspora inside its own home .

One misery after another , another Nakbeh inside jerusalem, inside the neighborhoods of Sheikh Jarrah, Silwan, and the list goes on . and a Nakseh inside every Palestinian, who instead of vowing over liberation, is torn apart in a heartrending domestic warfare between brothers .

Not very long time ago, the Palestinian society was contained by a structure that was built up from different parties, inside the same family , you would find a fateh and a hamas, a jabha and tahriri… and everyone was aspiring a day where we would be liberated .

I am not explicit if our cause failed us or we failed our cause .

I am not definite if this occupation has really invaded us like a chronic cancer that cannot be cured . a cancer that will only kill us , or we can still resist .

Jerusalem is trailing its sanctification , settlers are plaguing it with all their capacity . a radical racist government is overpowering it by all means . We walk through roads that are transforming to Hebrew, the rail road is jamming us into marginalized neighborhoods, demolition orders, and demolitions. Evacuations , new settlements , each day another Israeli flag flies up from what was some moments ago a Palestinian roof.

Ultra-orthodoxed settlers mingling among Palestinians neighborhoods, settlements expanding, more buildings, more posts, new roads ,and one more time more suffocating details of oppression and injustices .

It is so clear how Netanyaho’s government is racing with time , one more time forcing reality on the ground .

After failing to convince the world and the U.S to declare war on Iran , one more time succeeded in employing the settlements issues to their benefit . as the Israeli radicals are also preparing themselves to demonstrate the demonstrated removal of some out posts, the government is operating on an immense campaign to pinch what is left of Jerusalem .

And one more time alluding the world outside Palestine, in attempt to procure more time in enforcing new facts on the grounds .

The new notion of normalization, the other day Amr Mousa declared as if normalization with Israel is just on the door , binds it with the stop of the settlements .as if the Palestinian cause is settlements . all ignoring what is happening in Jerusalem .

Each Jerusalemite today is struggling unswervingly this shrewd invasion of the occupation .

And nearby , a few kilometers away , in the liberated Authority of The West Bank , as if all is well and constant ,as if the occupation is over , as if the walls are detached, as if the settlements have vanished , as if and as if life is ordinary , there is only one enemy HAMAS . And hamas , over there on the isolated island around the desert of despair is holding over a million people captives.

An occupation inside an occupation .

Fateh besieged for having another thousand new Palestinian leaders inside the upcoming 6th historical summit , of course, at least half of the 2000 participants deem to become the next Palestinian leadership, and the other half anticipate that they will become a challenging number in the future power . and a few good men, working hard believing that there could be hope for a reform and change.

Of course, one major consensus, HAMAS , hamas brutality, hamas radicals, hamas fundamentalists, hamas abuses, hamas tortures ,hamas violations , hamas scandals ,hamas hamas hamas…

And Hamas, in its new Emirate of Gaza, enjoying incapacitating, debilitating people , detaining , controlling men from Fateh from entering the West Bank, as with Shalit case , trying to compromise for its men upon allowing Fateh people to pass OUT to the West Bank.

Is there any worse scenario for a nation ?

The Israeli Occupation is impounding whatever is left of the land, ongoing with its occupation without remorse within Jerusalem, and Palestinians of Fateh and Hamas skirmishing over an authority in excess of a terrain that is no longer there …..because they boomed in making our cause again and again a mislaid cause.

Nadia Harhash

30-7-09

 Image

A reflection on a bitter Reality

A reflection on a Bitter Reality ,

As we are witnessing this massive israelization to Jerusalem as never before, we are also witnessing a colossal thump on our national identity . we are torn into a Fateh and Hamas ,and the occupation is surrounding us expanding its colonies, israelizing our homes and roads, enclaving us with additional walls .

The world is once again watching , condemning merely , incapable of stopping an evacuation of a family that was deported from its original home sixty years ago, to be evacuated again into another Diaspora inside its own home .

One misery after another , another Nakbeh inside jerusalem, inside the neighborhoods of Sheikh Jarrah, Silwan, and the list goes on . and a Nakseh inside every Palestinian, who instead of vowing over liberation, is torn apart in a heartrending domestic warfare between brothers .

Not very long time ago, the Palestinian society was contained by a structure that was built up from different parties, inside the same family , you would find a fateh and a hamas, a jabha and tahriri… and everyone was aspiring a day where we would be liberated .

I am not explicit if our cause failed us or we failed our cause .

I am not definite if this occupation has really invaded us like a chronic cancer that cannot be cured . a cancer that will only kill us , or we can still resist .

Jerusalem is trailing its sanctification , settlers are plaguing it with all their capacity . a radical racist government is overpowering it by all means . We walk through roads that are transforming to Hebrew, the rail road is jamming us into marginalized neighborhoods, demolition orders, and demolitions. Evacuations , new settlements , each day another Israeli flag flies up from what was some moments ago a Palestinian roof.

Ultra-orthodoxed settlers mingling among Palestinians neighborhoods, settlements expanding, more buildings, more posts, new roads ,and one more time more suffocating details of oppression and injustices .

It is so clear how Netanyaho’s government is racing with time , one more time forcing reality on the ground .

After failing to convince the world and the U.S to declare war on Iran , one more time succeeded in employing the settlements issues to their benefit . as the Israeli radicals are also preparing themselves to demonstrate the demonstrated removal of some out posts, the government is operating on an immense campaign to pinch what is left of Jerusalem .

And one more time alluding the world outside Palestine, in attempt to procure more time in enforcing new facts on the grounds .

The new notion of normalization, the other day Amr Mousa declared as if normalization with Israel is just on the door , binds it with the stop of the settlements .as if the Palestinian cause is settlements . all ignoring what is happening in Jerusalem .

Each Jerusalemite today is struggling unswervingly this shrewd invasion of the occupation .

And nearby , a few kilometers away , in the liberated Authority of The West Bank , as if all is well and constant ,as if the occupation is over , as if the walls are detached, as if the settlements have vanished , as if and as if life is ordinary , there is only one enemy HAMAS . And hamas , over there on the isolated island around the desert of despair is holding over a million people captives.

An occupation inside an occupation .

Fateh besieged for having another thousand new Palestinian leaders inside the upcoming 6th historical summit , of course, at least half of the 2000 participants deem to become the next Palestinian leadership, and the other half anticipate that they will become a challenging number in the future power . and a few good men, working hard believing that there could be hope for a reform and change.

Of course, one major consensus, HAMAS , hamas brutality, hamas radicals, hamas fundamentalists, hamas abuses, hamas tortures ,hamas violations , hamas scandals ,hamas hamas hamas…

And Hamas, in its new Emirate of Gaza, enjoying incapacitating, debilitating people , detaining , controlling men from Fateh from entering the West Bank, as with Shalit case , trying to compromise for its men upon allowing Fateh people to pass OUT to the West Bank.

Is there any worse scenario for a nation ?

The Israeli Occupation is impounding whatever is left of the land, ongoing with its occupation without remorse within Jerusalem, and Palestinians of Fateh and Hamas skirmishing over an authority in excess of a terrain that is no longer there …..because they boomed in making our cause again and again a mislaid cause.

Nadia Harhash

30-7-09

 Image

A lost Cause

A lost cause

 

Suddenly everything about life becomes nothing but either existence or death, and it is all death that we see popping from TV screens. People still having chances of survival losing it with lack of any help, no medical resources or any kind of appropriate help.

Scrutinizing human lives being lost while we watch , a whole world watching , and still Palestinians fractions fighting and arguing of who is what , and Israel announcing this is the beginning ,and Washington asks Israel to avoid civilians ,and Hamas victoriously announces a death of an Israeli , and we keep roaming in this cycle of death .

Our death and their death…

Two hundred Palestinian souls for one Israeli soul, how cheap our souls are and how expensive theirs is.

And our leaders and theirs, using our lives to endorse their agendas. As if these people’s lives are the sacrifice to their politics. As if we do not exist. Hamas announcing that resistance is ongoing, of course the sacrifice is those people, those people who are being collected in cars like rice sacks.

The world cannot see these people any more, our leaders do not see them. People only transform into numbers.

It is so heartrending to witness, human lives being hovelled, with disregard to human veracity.

Shame on us who watch. Shame on us for looking into the tragedies of life and moving as if it is nothing except another episode of what is natural in life.

Hamas one more time announcing and calling for people to resist, Mishaal, Haniyyeh who cares, all reminding me of the Sahhaf and the ru3a3.

Resistance is something profound, even sacrificing ones soul for a cause is even more intuitive, but our cause is a lost cause, a cause lost between Palestinian fractions and Arab acquiescence, under an enormous force of domination and despotism, higher in power than ours within our meekness and fragmentations.

Even the lessons of the not very long yesterday cannot be grasped.

Some short time ago, when Iraq was invaded, we were expecting something concealed inside Iraq to make it survive, the Sahhaf was threatening and we were thinking he was there and he knew what they got .

The Americans were in Baghdad, isolating every street, occupying the airport, and the Sahhaf was still threatening.

Today, Hamas is threatening, and we know, and they know, that the only asset we have is the loss of those lives. As if these people are willing to sacrifice those poor people until the last person. As if Gaza’s asset is with the people Hamas is willing to sacrifice.

I wish, God is really up there just sending us any message telling us that all what we have is down here.

Hamas is using the same ways of Iraq, but they ignore the fact that we know, we know the Qassam, who cares if they fired 60 or 6000 missiles when they are more peaceful in their effects than their announcements.

And Fateh is calling for the release of their prisoners from the Hamas prisons,

And Egypt condemning Hamas for not listening, and the Arab foreign ministries will set their emergency meeting after six days.

And the number of people killed increase.

And we are still scrutinying,

Israel justifying its actions, Palestinians mitigating theirs, and victims are falling down.

In a world of injustices, yes, it appears that our victims are dissimilar than theirs; apparently an Israeli soul is more, much more, 200 times more important than a Palestinian soul.

The sight of this man, maybe he is a that man, or he was at this moment, being left to die, people around him not knowing what to do, his eyes staring up in glaze, maybe not knowing if he is still alive or already dead, waiting for death, who might not have been around for him yet, but he was glazing senseless waiting.

Those children running for their lives, rushing in streets from schools, with death surrounding them form everywhere.

Those wounded victims, who could have survived if they were properly moved out, those still missing under the rubbles of the attacks, those packed in hospitals waiting in a station for a closer stride up to paradise.

Is this resistance, or is it a waste of lives.

Perhaps this is how all occupied nations resisted, maybe this is how Omar Mukhtar led his revolution, and all resistance groups did. But at some point all was too faraway.

Too far from seeing it all too thump from our living rooms, it was all too far from our current present and becoming a just so close yesterday.

Another intifada?

For more lives to get lost, for what,

Even the occupation is left behind in all this scene of cruelty.

And it doesn’t really matter to any further extent,

Those lost lives,

For which cause have they been sacrificed?

It is all nothing but a lost cause.

 

I add on, to this state of loss, some words written by Edward Said maybe to add some light to this darkness:

 

“ Consciousness of the possibility of resistance can reside only in the individual will that is fortified by intellectual rigor and an unabated conviction in the need to begin again, with no guarantees except the confidence of even the loneliest and most impotent thought that “what has been cogently thought must be thought in some other place and by other people.” In this way thinking might perhaps acquire and express the momentum of the general, thereby blunting the anguish and despondency of the lost cause ,which its enemies have tried to induce.

We might well ask from this perspective if any lost cause can ever really be lost .”

 

Nadia Harhash

26-12-08

Each day I grow…

Each day I grow into maturity , I realise how much the child in me , probably a teenager by now needs to flourish . It is amazing how it comes together .. Maturity and nourishing the child within….
This is the story of my life… A search backed up by my four rays of enlightenment …

Each day I grow into maturity , I realise how much the child in me , probably a teenager by now needs to flourish . It is amazing how it comes together .. Maturity and nourishing the child within….
This is the story of my life… A search backed up by my four rays of enlightenment …

 

Politics is the Art of …

Politics is the art of the possible, the attainable , the art of the next best …

 

I started to write in Arabic, explaining my struggle with the words as I attempt to transfer them from my head to my hand on the keyboard, and I detect them as they hover unprinted while I pointlessly hunt for the letters here and there.

Furthermore, discerning the situation and as I usual internalize it. Watching the Palestine Israeli question in the me and my ex-husband ghastly divorce. Shifting the Abbas-Dahlan scandal into the “me and my mother” after divorce perpetual wriggling affair.

I clogged, choosing that there is no need for internalizing scandals, and I ought to emphasize on the cause\struggle\ conflict\scandal of the vaster matters than me … The Nation, The Home-land.

As anticipated, things revert to point zero. We cannot distinguish anymore where the conflict really began. Who ignited it and why. And as usual we are all joggling in a chaotic scene scratching in the faces of our opponents who were unquestionably a day ago probably our friends.

Things turn into a mingled blend .So mixed up. And the first thing anyone would ask you: “Which side are you on?” “Who are you with?” The other who is not on your side is definitely the iniquitous one.

One question remains scribbling in my head. Why did Abbas choose this time to declare war on Dahlan right before going to Washington to discuss AN IMPORTANT ISSUE: NEGOTIATIONS? Which leads me to another question: Why did Dahlan select this time to respond to Abbas’s accusation? Which takes me to another question: Does Egypt involvement relate to the current Israeli attack on Gaza?

Which takes me to another note; that Gaza has been under attack by the Israeli war machine since last week.

This categorically fashions the popping of another question. Is Abbas era as a president finally shedding out and a new ‘substitute’ is due ? And Dahlan ponders it is the moment to strike back as the next Fateh Strong man, while Abbas is defiantly challenging him by going to Washington with a final perhaps card to negotiate on: Marwan Barghouthi release? Maybe also Marwan would be the remaining Trojan Horse in Abbas’s pouch, and the Israeli’s as well. By freeing Marwan people will APLLAUD really very loud, even more vociferous than the applauding for Assaf, and the Odyssey amongst Fateh rivals. It will be so lurid, that we the ‘people’ will not even contemplate of anything more valuable, and it could be whatever is bequeathed from what was once a homeland. Something that is reminiscent of declaring a state in the United Nation …

This way, Abbas will give the final blow to Dahlan of course!!!!

Certainly, I am a naïve not serious analyst. All what I know our politicians divulge in , is the term: politics is the art of the possible (which I am pretty sure they don’t know who said it) and it goes to ‘The attainable…The art of the next best.’ Which I am also rather sure our politicians don’t know.

Reality or Illusion

Reality of Illusion

In a start up of a year , that all its realities are nothing but a continued illusion . I feel myself forced to stop and allude myself with a reality that continues to force itself into an illusion .

Of course this must be the effect of philosophy studies on me . At least I can philosophize the illusion of this reality within context now !!!

How cynical it is , to sit around your dining table with your kids, to discuss issues that confuses the norms and principles of what you grew up to believe as solid sets of behaviors and realize that your principles are nothing but phantoms of illusion in a reality that is invaded by a whole new set of illusion .

You switch on the tv , and you shock yourself with the new reality of what looked like an illusion some months ago , and the transformation of each ones reality into an illusion of the other side . sisi’s Egypt or mursi’s ? who is the reality and who is the illusion ?

Getting closer to the news of the center of the universe US . it is US not U.S of course!!!

So there is a Kerry’s plan , still a secret ? well the secret is the illusion and the context is the reality of the illusion .

The different officials announcement , seriously , are they reality or illusions ? what is reality , what is illusion ?

Abbas talks to jewish students , the international boycott movement against Israel ?

No more refugees question ? or we will solve some of the issue later . But for sure, Safad was officially dropped from the map . that is not an illusion .

Mr Abbas illusion of peace or of a state ? what is the reality of his continuous disastrous conclusions?

Akkkkh ya watan , this is the remaining real feeling of an owe to a homeland that the only reality is that it became an illusion .

I can go back to the illusion of the reality that my surrounding forces on me and continue to pretend a reality of my insanity with an illusion to be sane …

22-2-2014

Pedagogy of the Oppressed or the Colonizer

Pedagogy of the Oppressed, or the Colonizer?!

I usually take the Israeli harassment with a sense of humor. After all, they are the occupation. They will not be normal if they treat us well. And somehow treating us well is not something I like to happen because it makes me subconsciously normalize with their existence.

For instance, in the airport, I voluntarily offer my striptease services. I make jokes about the body check. I walk with them through all the security mazes like a princess with her security guards.

On the checkpoints, depending on the severity of the checkpoint, I wear a grave face on Qalandia, and I could be easily provoked actually, but at Ze’ayyem, it became more of a game of psychological body language. I just drive by like an Israeli, and it works …

So many stories of playing around checkpoints and security checks. Somehow adapting rather than getting mad and furious. And thankfully, there will always be an Israeli who will pop up to remind me that we are under occupation.

But there is a limit to what I can take for security measures. It is only Israelis in this country who are allowed to harass me, because, again and again, Israel is a state that is occupying me, and that is what occupation system does.

I could also understand that Palestinian police or security system may adopt such measures, it is part of the pedagogy of the oppressed mentality; to regenerate what the oppressor did to the oppressed until the oppressed comes to his own means of understanding to what kind of system and behavior he wants to choose for himself.

But, why do liberated, UN occupying countries in my homeland need to adopt the same measure of behavior? It is not about what security procedure is. It is evident. It is about the attitude of dehumanization that is adopted. Countries that have their missions here to serve their interests with us. Regardless if those interests take the shape of grants or developmental projects. In the end, they are serving their own agenda of interest, not ours. And apparently, they don’t get yet, that we understand that.

I always wonder, why under the name of humanitarian aid and all that money that is pumped under the name of Palestinian support, we “ the under-privileged” “ oppressed” “ poor” have to apply for visas (of course I know they are afraid that we immigrate to their prosperous countries) and pay. When the Israeli (who also may be willing to migrate to their prosperous country) doesn’t need a visa. And the money issue. Each time we have to travel and spend our money in those countries we pay them money to GRANT us entry for the date of stay. If someone wants to visit six times a year, he would need to pay 600 euro +, and of course, I wouldn’t think of more travels because he would need to apply two weeks in advance, and probably plan a month before. So an average Palestinian who wishes to be a traveler can do this maximum six times a year. But of course, why would a weak occupied deprived, underprivileged Palestinian need to travel?? Of course, those who travel, have access to long-term visas and most likely free, because there is a category of, privileged underprivileged Palestinians that are blessed with the West’s acceptance (because they bring business to them).

Why am I saying all this? I feel being inside another state of mental hallucination!!

It was some days ago, that I was invited with my colleagues of the program, that is run by a German University, and Blessed by the Ministry of Foreign Affairs (and paid for it too) to the German Representative Office in Ramallah to congratulate us for our scholarships and to hand us the grant that included cash and laptops. Very generous and appreciated of course from our side. And the Cultural Attaché’ kindly and generously invited us for lunch later.

Again, it was a very appreciated gesture that we all regarded with a zest.

We went there, gratified and delighted I would say. Expecting (playing with my mind) to be received in a ceremony (thinking of the email we received). It wasn’t my first time in the German Rep Office in Ramallah, and in other Rep Offices around, so I kind of know how things go. As I was entering, I was taken by surprise to see a Palestinian security woman, waiting inside the booth for females check. It reminded me of Amman Airport or other airports. Whereas in airports, its’ airports, not a live scene on the street in Ramallah. I felt diffident in entering, and after giving it, some thought I was settled not. I felt that I couldn’t afford to go through such feelings of subjugation at this moment. My colleagues insisted that I come in with them and that it will all take a few minutes, and after all people are waiting for us inside. (Somehow, my conscience had to remind me that after all, I am a Palestinian, and I shouldn’t really feel what ordinary people feel; degradation is part of our identity).

Even though, upon our arrival, a voice came from inside telling the security guard that this is a group that he should allow to enter. Our reception wasn’t as welcoming as expected. Aside from all the hostility in the air, I felt like standing in a row at the office of the Interior in Jerusalem, where the security people play games on mortifying us. As it was my male colleague to enter, he made sure I pass before; he was of course buzzing and voluntarily removing his belt. I don’t know what exactly happened in that instance, I admit I was occupied being incitinsulted, shamming to be finishing sending an email before they take my mobile as well. Suddenly loud voices were in the air, and the German security official, who was watching from the beginning to make sure were searched efficiently flinched into the scene and asked my colleague to leave, saying that he will not be allowed to enter. It was that my colleague (who is a 1000% diplomat in his attitude) asked the security man, that he will open his bag for him (that my partner wants to open his own personal bag for the security, because somehow that safety man was putting all his belongings out in a manner that apparently embarrassed my colleague, without even waiting for him to open it). The German jerked in, in such haughty, insolent manner, without even giving a damn space for explanation and asked my colleague to leave in a very offensive, disrespectful, boorish manner. My colleague was reasoning with him, telling him that he will not leave because he is invited here, and it is not him who decides to take him out (of course my colleague was counting on his good connections with the Germans). The German security official was infuriated, and he told him if you don’t leave I will call the police, and he did.

It was happening too fast. From my side, I was appeased, to tell the truth, because I was under the impression that what was taking place is inappropriate from the beginning.

So I promptly took it an opportunity for us to depart. Two of our colleagues who were already there earlier were signaled to leave by us, and they joined.

A Palestinian Policeman grabbed my partner by the hand. The whole disarray was taking place.

I was a bit (probably more) of apprehensive with my colleagues who were trying to reason with them.For me, it was a simple issue. We were not welcomed. Not only that, we were thrown out; disposed of. We leave. And it is them who should worry about giving us our things.

There was a massive dispute out there, I was too incensed to get in anything of what was materializing, and I just wanted to go to my car and leave.

There was a split somehow that turned into trying to convince me to enter from one side, and some Germans probably trying to convince the group to join.

We decided to go to Darna for lunch anyway and treat ourselves with our own invitation, not theirs.

At some point, and as in the Palestinian way, apparently, the chaos turned to us. We have torn asunder into those who thought we should have entered and finished with this thing and take the scholarship, and that we shouldn’t jeopardize blowing it up. And there was my group who believed that the whole behavior was unacceptable, and if it would take to blow it up, so let it happen.

What surprised me is our defiance in this. Of how, if we don’t go and get this ‘trophy’ we are subjecting ourselves to the risk of losing it.

And what if we lose it? In a quick common sense calculations, we were not about to lose anything, this is a grant we are receiving upon an agreement, and no one is doing us a favor. We are giving them back what is in that agreement anyway. Actually, it is them, who need us. It is a shock of how we Palestinians behave in such situations, apparently in all. I have to admit that the German approach in this sense was a result of such defiance. We were there to receive a grant, a charity from the German people!!!! The attitude towards us is that they give us and we receive with gratitude.

I felt like shrieking, and I must have done that… For God’s sake, no one is doing us any favor here. It is a great thing that this program is happening, but as much as it is right for us, it is good for them. We didn’t go and ask them for anything; it was a deal between them and us. We are working on the making and realization of this program, that they damn want, probably more than us, especially that they are financing it.

Up keeping my opinion, the colleagues who were there before us and received their grants were treated poorly. One of them described what happened saying he felt like being locked in a cage. They gave them the laptops and made them sign with not even a smile on anyone’s face. With not even a receiving hello from anyone. They were waiting for something they didn’t know, and luckily it was we. Because no one showed up to say a word of welcoming even or saying what will happen next.

It was another time, we Palestinians should have been gratified with the excellent West help and donation … God. It wasn’t a gift, right?

We went later to Darna for lunch. My colleague called the attaché, ’ and she joined us for lunch. … Somewhere, she had to remain in power, seeing us hesitant among ourselves. Some of us thanking her tremendously for the German kindness and generosity, sensing the typical Palestinian shooting on the foot consequences.

What happened next ??

Yes, I received a laptop and a good amount of cash to carry in my purse. It was definitely not the way I wanted it to happen. But, if I refrained from going, I would have ended up to be alone, and definitely the foolish person. It is true that the German lady accompanied us to the Rep Office, and did what should have been done from the beginning, being there at the check place, since it is a procedure, and they cannot avoid the security fear test. But they can humanize the act, since we Palestinians, sometimes are not there to solicit their giving’s away; that I hope we Palestinians one day realize, that every cent that is spent in this country from any country or source is the price of occupation from one side, and it is an investment to that country before us. Every cent that is distributed in the name of Palestinian aid is more that 70% shared by these countries. So we are nothing but the product of their “white-collar industry.”

20-11-2013

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